WARNING This is a bit of a Saga! ( & yet a potted history) :
Old flame that was then a friendship, then business colleague, Friends too, me having feelings though, always pop back up. it got very difficult this year & some arguments, things falling apart in his life & I got overinvolved, overwhelmed, confused, getting chewed up in the maelstrom, & getting reactive myself too. well, he just turned in May, seemed weird with me all the time, angry, distrustful (I suspect 3rd party in a business) We couldn't lift it back up the way we used to, then he argued with me, very mean & then the two of them combined to close the business, 3rd party tried to burn me in the business (36 a lot, then 33uc ) So then of course I was pulling back, but got pulled in trying to get out, asking for some money back... he was v stressed, suicidal, & I felt that, very dark, scared me, this pulled me right back in again, bit difficult for me, deep feelings, very hurtful for me when it stated falling back into the bad pattern again... & I cant stop him if he does get suicidal anyway! That's too much responsibility! & he has a therapist now anyway. Yeah so I've stepped right back - we have a double Pluto moon conjunction astrology, it's v hard to step back!
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Well this guy popped up on social media (44), I resisted the follow suggestion & profile looking, though *wanting* to so much, longing, the desire to reconnect very very strong. I'm often pulled /pushed towards him when big heavy stuff is about to happen in his life & I want to be there & support, I feel that pull so strongly, but I've been getting hurt by him, fire from him, coldness etc.
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I made a commitment to myself to step back & focus on me, on family until after the solstice (24uc), allow visitors, accepting only those who come willingly (8.5). I sort of copper plated it by emailing a love poem (though it is also about healing, yin/yang, anima healing animus), I really did mean the healing wishes & unconditional love in it, but I also knew that he could clam right down & not respond to me for a good while! Sort of meant it like a parting gift, or a little present, before I duck out for a while... (33, negotiating retreat peacefully, give a gift).
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Hexagram 44.1.2.5
Waiting for the melon 🍉, thinking I resisted temptation, I got into a huge situation trying to write about it, to post here. I composed a massive long spiel trying to explain about the situation & relationship (which I've dona again, but less jumbles this time!). It's actually seeming very complicated, or my feelings are about it, and about him! Hence stepping right back a few weeks ago (33uc step back from business
recent 27, 46, casts for me, then 23uc, lots of casts ending in 48, constant theme of 32 for me all this difficult year in relation to this deep connection, lots of 41 lately). Lots of hurt & confusion, love, loss, desire, fear; huge emotions awoke, very very late to bed, to sleep, I *accidentally* deleted it. (A good thing really! )
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After deleting it, 29.5 going to bed, images of me having filled up this gorge, deep canyon with water, emptied out my heart, pouring and pouring, massive massive amounts of water, like I I opened a stopper in my heart and this ocean came out! It felt like an unstoppable flow
But then it just stopped. I realized that I had just stopped it! (Line 5, full enough, full to the brim).
So I woke tired, feeling awful, though in my minds eye there is a peaceful deep chasm lake, water just still & deep, lapping the edges & soft waves in the wind, high in the mountains (rocks red, like Mars)blue sky , & I am seeing a boat, thinking, a boat would get me across to the other side.
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But I'm feeling sort of shocked, afraid, afraid of those arguments, & the depth of older wounds awoken
so I cast Yi:
hexagram 12.1.6
Quote:
Line 1'Pulling up thatch grass, roots entangled, with more of its kind.Constancy, good fortune. Creating success.'
Quote:
Line 6'Overturning the block.Before, blocked. Afterwards, rejoicing.'
Which for me felt like 'yes I am feeling blocked, with this man! Blocked in following my heart, open the love & passion, flow with that, then he cuts me down, blocked in pulling back, hurt, anger, sense of panic, panic & push to reach out, very very strong pull, blocked in focusing on other things, being creative'. The message said to me - it's ok to feel blocked, things are full, you have pulled up something rich & deep.
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Images again of the water filled chasm, holding to my heart swimming amidst dark waters, deep waters so deep they barely reflect the sky & red rocks, but also images of him pushing me, dark, focused, passionate, he is pushing me in, pushing from behind, but I'm thinking 'haha yes but I can swim!' & he's getting hotter, pushing, but the waters are nice and cool. _
You see, I know he wants me to contact him, but he won't contact me himself first. I can feel it, but I've made a vow with myself, not to do that. Always having to contact has worn me down! It's too much, & I'm tired of it. Its that *pull*, something is going on, instincts are saying to contact him, Like he needs me, but theres a pattern that I am trying to shift & I have a lot of other stuff going on personally. Also, I have been thinking, it is easier to send love, good vibes, from a distance. I need distance & he knows where I am anyway!
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Instead I'm staying put where I am (hexagram 52 - keeping still) allowing myself time to feel & deal without initiating anything outside, responding to what comes, listening, without reacting or starting anything new off. With all this fullness, it seems as though there is plenty to harvest, much richness, lots to deal with! No need to bring more in, or enter into a situation where I'm the supplicant when I need to be empowered in my life.
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So I asked Yi about that sense of pressure from him, that intensifying push into the waters, feeling of blocked from flowing out, but the water is calm now, its just there. Feels like it's power, energy, feels contained, grand to swim. But the intensity of that push towards him is getting very intense :
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63.1.2.5 46
Line 2 Losing the carraige screen I get, my ego /daily self is not happy with these deeper emotions, but its OK, nothing is lost, no ground, no progress in myself with my inner journey. I'll be back on track soon?
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line 1 stands out to me, coming with the earlier sense of accepting the blockage with 12
Quote:
Line 1Breaking the wagon wheels the tail gets wet = no blame. Changes to (39) Obstruction. During any transition from completion to renewal the way forward can appear confusing. Change is often accompanied by mistakes or missteps. You can think that you are on cruise control and suddenly get a flat tire that stops you in your tracks. There is not any real harm, but you are warned that the path you were on is changing. Any obstacles you meet are simply slowing you down so that you can examine the proper way forward.
Yes this chimes with me because I really feel like I need to ponder this water, this emotion, raw, not necessarily directed yet... I don't know what way it should flow yet. I don't know what to do, but I don't want to do anything just yet (except delve with Yi ). I don't mind the wet tail, being emotional. I'm not sure that this is keeping still, but I am trying to retain a core of awareness within all this emotion! And not to act towards him, hold the course, but to stick to this time I've taken for myself & see what happens if I do it differently.
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For me, hexagram 46 - pushing upwards, is always reassuring, with it's gradual growth, just let the grass grow! It tells me "don't worry, bigger things happening slower, you'll get there! You'll be lifted by everything else rising"
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This man, it is so hard to pull away, I have to distract myself away, but then things like this happen! I've had meditations where he pops in, he materializes! 2 years after I met him, on the same day, I bumped into him in the capital city, where I don't live (odds of that? )... Its constant, this stuff, and all the mirroring, stray swap thoughts etc. Often getting hexagram 41 re contact ,lately felt like a sacrifice on my part to contact him, gp beyond ego or personality. Of course, if I did happiness afterwards & knowledge of mirroring, he's dealing with court & receipts & I have a headache, he's very stressed & though peaceful I can't rest etc... but also 41: empty it out, release, let go, simplify, reduction, reduce it . I was grand with all the serendipidy & synchronicity in the past, but this year it's been so difficult, & he's been so harsh, and he attacked it, blamed me on it. Hesaid that 'there were many weird events he wanted to forget with me, strange things, that I was trying to force him to do things, that it was like attack, I wanted too much & he couldn't hold it'.
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This really shocked and hurt me, because all my contact with him, well it was all really about him, I never involved him in my stuff, I really didn't ask for much
I would get wound up trying to explain things to him this year. I don't know what that was, it was weird too. That's another reason I pulled back. But I NEVER forced him to do anything! It was deliberate policy.
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But I do know stuff about him & then last year and a half, he's been going through a divorce. I know that's making him ratty, she was having an affair for years & years & planned it for years. I warned him years ago, I saw all the signs. I know that might freak him out, that I knew that. It shocked me quite a bit when it happened, actually... that I was so right, that's scary! And that she was going to fleeeeece him, wring him dry, that too, I saw that! & I did try to warn him, that's what he means by forcing him, I got loud, thinking, I hadn't been loud before. That's when I saw a rift. I told him "A sword cannot chop water, please don't get caught into this fight, please step back, & you won't lose anything" But he didn't listen, he got freaked with me (but I got a bit crazy about it, so worried for him) But he did get caught into the fights & I did say one day "please step back from the battle & take some space, this fight will become a black hole that will consume you & everything else" But then I did feel very over involved & he wasn't listening anyway, so step back
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However, there are things to consider about the arguments, Yeah I was definitely hyper, emotional, he was definitely pushing my buttons then & there is the whole business thing looming in the background. On the converse, he did that to me, wrapped me into things, discussed my 'future'
walled me into the middle of awkward situations (I didn't bring him into a business where his creepy friend was undermining me & idea stealing & all that narc crap & narc is friends with his wife. All the suspicions & intimations that we were having an affair... but I wouldn't do that, have sex with a man living with somebody else).
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It shocked me because I thought that mirroring was something special, magical, that brings benefits to both people, you know it's Just something nice that draws friends together? But I thought he was aware that these synchronous events etc, are beyond people, I never ever thought he would blame me for it! Ha, I don't have that power! No-does.
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Difficult situation, I think too intense, we are both trying to get out, but he still owes me money. I really really am trying to step back peacefully because I need to do it that way, with peace.
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I know, with all these meetings & signs & whatnot the universe is saying, yes this guy is significant, don't discount him, don't paint him out of the picture... And, despite feeling hurt, sidelined, shoved away at times, I do feel compassionate, but there is a line. I have to shift, stop doing this hurtful pattern right now. Better to appreciate & wish well from a distance. There are other things I want to change and move with in my life too. There is a lot I am so very grateful for from this deep connection
I've learned a lot, gained a lot, grown, done amazing things.
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Throwing this out there, how do ye see moving out of a difficult connection like this in the light of Hexagram 62,Already Complete, the chaos of transition into something new, (but watch that kettle on the fire!)
