I cast this today.
I have a lot of things changing in my life. I've just completed a college course, my older teenage kids are changing, moving out into the world.
I've been working on clearing my resistance to independance, following my own ideas, building a vision, maybe a business.
I don't know what I want yet.
And yet I do.
I have had a lot of old emotions and situations, even ex bf turn up.
I have felt uncomfortable with those emotions.
Last night I went to a community fire ceremonyin my area - it is a shamanic type ceremony. So we were drumming, the celebrant /facilitator gave us all flowers, asked us to hold the flowers near our hearts, to consider the sacrifice of the flower from the land, to take it's essence into our hearts and honour the sacrifice.
To understand the journey we have taken through winter and the dark half of the year. He made two fires; we were to walk between them from west to east...honouring the ancient Irish traditions, coming back from winter, into summer.
Then we placed the flowers on the fires and lit the fires, and drummed. First the heartbeat beat...then allowing that to increase, then the drummers walked in the centre of the circle. Drumming, humming, considering those things we are ready to let go of, things we might have resistance about, asking for help, aid in this release. Thinking of the things we wish to do or have; what is burning in our hearts, visions, desires, plans, creations. Thinking of a new life, a new summer.
Then we all held hands, and one by one, walked through the fires. 2 people stood on each side, 2 to help you on the first step, 2 to greet you when you have walked through.
It was a beautiful ceremony, very natural, and very profound.
It deeply resonated for me, because I have emotions, thoughts, thinks I am conscious of and things I feel dimly, a sense of blocking myself.
You see, last night, a very good and dear friend, H was saying to me that she sees that I give too much of my energy to people. Another very old friend was there, and she said yes, I do give a lot.
I am aware of this, and I have been meditating, asking on this, for help, for 'how' answers.
How do i change it if it is a bad pattern?
Is it a bad pattern?
Is this why I do feel used, or hurt with some people and I can't put my finger on it?
Sometimes I feel people don't care enough for each other, and I get defiant in my care; like I try to centre everything in a 'good of all' principle. Why ? because I don't like how I feel when I have been selfish, yes, but also, I feel better if I gain, and so do others, if I feel part of a group where we are all lifting each other up.
Yes but also, uncomfortable for me, my dear friend H put a crown of flowers on my head just before the ceremony! But then I was the only one wearing the crown of flowers, so I was like the MayQueen.
Then, I played my tin whistle, a few tunes at the beginning; like a little contribution beforehand. After the 'passing through the fires' ceremony, a few people sang songs, so I sang an earth chant ('earth my body, water my blood, air my breath and fire my spirit')...Now, It just flowed through me! I heard my voice come out very strong, but something else is flowing through me.
Years ago, I used to do circles, more Wicca type of circles, but I found that I did not resonate with that path, I have never really been a Wiccan, though I do respect that path. Yes but, in the circle, this power, this energy flowed through, but I felt uncomfortable at a certain stage; like, I am always watching for the moment my ego might identify? I am scared of ego identifying with this healing, power that flows through, scared of selfish motives taking over, and that bad things could happen. I mean, I hate the idea of being selfish, taking in a way that would hurt, or sit on, or take from someone else, you know?
So then a woman asked for a song, said she could not sing it, but she really wanted to hear it: 'the river is flowing'. Agni, i was the only one who knew it, and again I sang it, hoping everyone would. I even picked up the drum to add a little beat! But yes, I led this one as well...& everyone clapped!. All I was thinking was 'I sang it for her, my heart filled, It was not 'from me'...so clap for yourselves, for her! It is her energy, her song, her wish for the group, I was just the channel, the one who knew the chant'.
Yes but the thing is, I have a part of me that is fearful of all this attention; I have these things in me, flowing through, to be said, expressed, shared. It seems like so much sometimes, like I am talking over others, drowning them...but it just flows through, and it is not necessarily 'me'.
Like, wearing the flower crown; that is playing a role, maybe chosen by spirit, on that day, I hold the energy of the may queen, the earth goddess flowering. I have held the energy of a circle as a priestess or celebrant. I have held the energy in a healing space.
But I am uncomfortable with attention focusing on me!
Yes but anyway, today, I am feeling tired, confused, not able to totally do anything really.
I see, I feel change, but I also am afraid of my own negative patterns.
So I asked Yi about all of this, and I got hexagram 42.1.5 --- relating hexagram 23
From LiSe:
Quote:
[]Primary hexagram: 42[]
Yì, The bowl of the raingod
Gua Poem:
Increase. Fruitful to proceed probing. Fruitful to wade across the great river.
The great image says: Wind and Thunder (tempest) increase.
Straight away, to me, I saw this as meaning "
you are stripping away negative, blockages, inner binds, negative self images and ideas that stop you shining...see the positives in this and in yourself"
Quote:
Initial 9: Fruitful to benefit from performing great deeds. Eminent auspiciousness. Without fault.
If you can do, then do! A cheetah can run, so he is a great runner. Birds have wings so they are great flyers. You are full of abilities, use them as best you can.
(Changes to hex.20)
Straight away Yi is saying -
you can do these things! so DO them!
Quote:
9 at 5: Being true, kind-hearted. No question: eminent auspiciousness. Being true and kind is your own virtue.
Somewhere all your good and bad deeds are written down. They work in your life and form your personality. Increasing the credit side is a matter of innumerable little feats. Especially in small reactions one recognizes the value of a heart, more than in a big good deed, which stands alone.
(Changes to hex.27)
Seems to me that Yi is saying "
don't worry, do what you do, because you DO do what you do with kindness?"
That's what I am getting anyway; that my discomfort is stripping away my own internal negative stuff, internalised doubts etc
Ireland is in foment right now too, scandals over the women locked in the Magdalene laundries, the dead children and babies (800 in Tuam) buried hidden outside convents, the hordes of abuse survivors from orphanages and now the Repeal the 8th amendment, relating to reproductive health rights for women; so much deep stuff is awoken for all of us, especially women who have suffered because of these laws and catholic attitudes. Here I can see stripping away too; So much in being stripped away from 'Irishness'. So many people are rejecting the theocracy. The vote a few years ago for marriage equality showed that. We want to be secular,a 21st century nation. We want our culture free of this.
I have been afraid to look at news, to go into town; afraid I might blow up at one of the 'No' campaigners with their giant posters of dead babies, and all their guilt tripping. I lost a baby 13 years ago, at this time of year, at 22 weeks. Although I know she is my spirit daughter, and I feel her around me, these images are triggering. I am also worried about her dad, because he is not quite mentally well at the moment, and those pictures could set him off. Also, as a single mother for many years, I never saw these people around helping me raise my children! The ones campaigning for 'Yes', the ones who want to repeal these laws that have allowed women to die in Irish hospitals because 'abortion is illegal' (no cancer treatment if you are pregnant, no termination if you have a fatal fetal abnormality, no termination if you have septicaemia, no termination if you are 14 and have been raped etc); these people I have seen working tirelessly to improve life for single parents, for women. A lot of the 'no' crowd that I have encountered are hostile, angry. Last year a friend of mine was surrounded by 8 of them, they mobbed her, we couldn't get close to her! One man started shouting at me about Jesus being the authority on this matter, that we were wicked. (personally I don't see what Jesus has to do with it - i respect some of his teachings, loaves and fishes, water into wine ;), consider the lilies), but I am not a christian).
Again, Yi message here gives me comfort; that the negativity, the old constrictions are being stripped away, that the positive love and care, the talents of the women of Ireland will shine through. Yi is telling me here, focus on the good that is happening, allowing the old to be stripped away (my trauma at growing up in this catholic theocracy, this repressive regime, trauma at mistreatment in hospitals because I was not married and a good catholic woman, all that...there's also a lot of collective rage & hurt that I am feeling too) . Yes, seeing that my country is changing, but for me, to see all these woman (and men) standing up against a very vocal militant right wing minority that has held power, controlled the schools, the hospitals, the universities, that has tried to suppress the voices of the abused, that has moved paedophile priest to other parishes and left children very vulnerable. But, seeing these people stand and be strong against all this bullying, at all levels of life, in parliamentary commissions, in journalism, in everyday life, yes this is totally different than it was 20 years ago, when I was a young woman. Yes my daughter is emerging as a young woman into a better society, a safer one for her. I can see that in these lines too, and in 23 as relating hexagram.
hexagram 42 is telling me to increase the positive here too. OK I am not actively involved in the campaigns, but I feel Yi is telling me to see and increase the positive that is happening here; to see where this revolution is going, to hold that vision for the future.
It also helps me deal with my personal feelings about the 'no' crowd; just walk on, strip away from needing to fight them.
Strip away the old ideas, also including feeling I have to hide the priestess and healer that is in me? the idea of feeling that the female divine celebrant, shamanka, priestess or wise woman has to be hidden?
Maybe that is what has been holding me back?
I just thought I would share how profoundly this cast has resonated for me.
I would welcome any insight too :)
I know the political / cultural issues in Ireland are very deep, I'm not trying to stir up a big argument, abstracting from the 'moral' or other positions people might have on the issues, the fact is that there is something in our constitution which should never be in a constitution. Women have died (like
Savita ). The laws need to be changed alright, the article removed from the constitution, and different laws, 21st century laws enacted, laws that reflect the continuing evolution of medical care in any 21st century country.
But here, i am interested in interpreting the cast 42.1.5 - 23 in the light of these contexts, my personal journey, and the wider issues which colour it, and how I am gaining insight from the YiJing, and also any insight others might see that is useful here
Thank You :)
