Dear people of clear seeing,
I could really really really use some help...
Obviously it is something *I* need to be able to do it for myself...But I am simply unable to.
I have gotten 20.5.6 to 2 a few times now.
I don't know how to present the situation...may be just the tail end mess...that has left me now for a long while holding the 'dirty basket' so to speak...
The situation involves someone who might be what is considered as a 'twin flame'...our arc is now over half our lives...we have a very in-depth connection...we both seem to know and feel each other's thoughts...there is a sense of pure completion when we can meet in pure love at the heart...but we both seem to have trust issues...we have never really been together...it has always been sort of 'hit and run'...
I don't really fully understand our dynamic...I can't fully conclude if he wants to 'win' or love...I might have been the one that got away for him...I was able to put my life together in a positive way, for my conscience was clean. I simply concluded he was 'dead' to me, when I found that he had married someone...but it seems that he might have been 'tricked' into it.
So now we have a rather wounded type person, who seems to want to gain a better sense of himself, by sucking me into his life somehow (energetically)...in the last couple of years, we kept meeting and I kept getting stranded in his hometown (floods, plane crashes...I mean really 'big' events that would ground me near him...and looking back over the entire span, every road seemed to lead me to where he was, without my having then known to be the case)...
So clearly at some cosmic level, the big person up there is bringing us together...but the little people inside us, seem to not quite get the message and let 'it' happen whatever it might be...
The final tally at it stands is...he is not talking to me...which is amazing because, it was he who told me he still had feelings for me...which made my entire body go cold...because i mean, he is still married...and sure enough it was just a way to somehow suck me into his world...it was as though he needed me to take the flak for his wife...and i have...
and it is so yuck all over...it is as though we have exchanged our inner states...me feeling radiant and grateful for all that was, just the way it was with his bittersweetness and futility...
i am now switching between wrathfulness and not wanting *anything* at all to do with him with a good dose of wanting him to suffer for all that he has put me through...to realising that I am just having to 'wash' his karma out...knowingly or unknowingly i had taken upon myself...i mean there is nowhere else to put it, is there?
In seeing his life and mine, I see that everything he has judged me for, he had had to go through it himself, and everything I have left him for, I have had to experience them in my own life and found them lacking too...he seems to be a little behind me, in life's path...
but what am i to do???
oh it would be so great to just go to town on him!!! but i think i have to reign in the kali somehow...i *have* to be receptive but *not* a doormat or a dumping ground....i resent how i have been treated by him...it *is* so very wrong...I *should* have not waded into his projections...but i did...and now i am the one left feeling so besmirched and dirtied...and for no wrong, except a wrong sense of compassion...and helpfulness...and yes, love. The big Love by a very small person.
oh boy.
And and all your kind prayers and helpful insight, so very welcome.
I am drowning...in quagmire...between this on one side, and my terrible family on the other...one wonders was one Jesus christ not enough for this world? Why have I run into where angels fear thread?
SEEING. Learning. TO. BE. Receptive.
I want my cosmic mommy. But I really really want what is right with the Beloved.
I could really really really use some help...
Obviously it is something *I* need to be able to do it for myself...But I am simply unable to.
I have gotten 20.5.6 to 2 a few times now.
I don't know how to present the situation...may be just the tail end mess...that has left me now for a long while holding the 'dirty basket' so to speak...
The situation involves someone who might be what is considered as a 'twin flame'...our arc is now over half our lives...we have a very in-depth connection...we both seem to know and feel each other's thoughts...there is a sense of pure completion when we can meet in pure love at the heart...but we both seem to have trust issues...we have never really been together...it has always been sort of 'hit and run'...
I don't really fully understand our dynamic...I can't fully conclude if he wants to 'win' or love...I might have been the one that got away for him...I was able to put my life together in a positive way, for my conscience was clean. I simply concluded he was 'dead' to me, when I found that he had married someone...but it seems that he might have been 'tricked' into it.
So now we have a rather wounded type person, who seems to want to gain a better sense of himself, by sucking me into his life somehow (energetically)...in the last couple of years, we kept meeting and I kept getting stranded in his hometown (floods, plane crashes...I mean really 'big' events that would ground me near him...and looking back over the entire span, every road seemed to lead me to where he was, without my having then known to be the case)...
So clearly at some cosmic level, the big person up there is bringing us together...but the little people inside us, seem to not quite get the message and let 'it' happen whatever it might be...
The final tally at it stands is...he is not talking to me...which is amazing because, it was he who told me he still had feelings for me...which made my entire body go cold...because i mean, he is still married...and sure enough it was just a way to somehow suck me into his world...it was as though he needed me to take the flak for his wife...and i have...
and it is so yuck all over...it is as though we have exchanged our inner states...me feeling radiant and grateful for all that was, just the way it was with his bittersweetness and futility...
i am now switching between wrathfulness and not wanting *anything* at all to do with him with a good dose of wanting him to suffer for all that he has put me through...to realising that I am just having to 'wash' his karma out...knowingly or unknowingly i had taken upon myself...i mean there is nowhere else to put it, is there?
In seeing his life and mine, I see that everything he has judged me for, he had had to go through it himself, and everything I have left him for, I have had to experience them in my own life and found them lacking too...he seems to be a little behind me, in life's path...
but what am i to do???
oh it would be so great to just go to town on him!!! but i think i have to reign in the kali somehow...i *have* to be receptive but *not* a doormat or a dumping ground....i resent how i have been treated by him...it *is* so very wrong...I *should* have not waded into his projections...but i did...and now i am the one left feeling so besmirched and dirtied...and for no wrong, except a wrong sense of compassion...and helpfulness...and yes, love. The big Love by a very small person.
oh boy.
And and all your kind prayers and helpful insight, so very welcome.
I am drowning...in quagmire...between this on one side, and my terrible family on the other...one wonders was one Jesus christ not enough for this world? Why have I run into where angels fear thread?
SEEING. Learning. TO. BE. Receptive.
I want my cosmic mommy. But I really really want what is right with the Beloved.