Hello all. This is my first post - and it will be a long one - but I've been plundering the depths of the wisdom here for years, so I'd like to thank you all. There are numerous people on this forum who I don't know personally, but know from seeing their names in the numerous threads I've researched for assistance in understanding readings over the years. You have played a role in my life and helping me my find my way, and you weren't even aware of it. :)
I recently received some spiritual insight that felt as if a gigantic weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like my life, up to this point, makes more sense now. I have never felt as much at peace with myself and the world than I do now. It would take a very long time to explain the entire situation, but the insight I received can essentially be boiled down to two words: amor fati.
The problem is that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. And if life (and BPD, and Yi) has taught me anything, it's that I can not depend on anything to last. Nothing is permanent. ("No plain not followed by a slope"!) I know that how I feel right now will pass. I also know there will be many more times ahead when my disorder will rudely remind me of its existence. In those moments, it is very, very difficult to remember what I've learned - about anything regarding my disorder, let alone the insight I recently received. My emotional reactions overwhelm and essentially obliterate my logical mind, and I sometimes act and/or speak without thinking. Learning how to think before acting and/or speaking has probably been the most difficult lesson I have struggled with in this life.
So I asked Yi, although I have this peace with me now, I know it will not last - when I am in a situation where my BPD is acting up, what can I do to remember this peace I have and prevent myself from doing something rash?
I received 60.2.6 > 42
When I am pondering an answer from Yi, I rely on James DeKorne's website and WikiWing to aid in my understanding. (I really want to get Anthony's book but haven't done so yet. The interpretations I have seen from her have seemed to be the most helpful and the most accurate, in my experience.) I have noticed the core theme with 60 has to do with limitations and restrictions, and that sometimes, there is such a thing as too much limitation/restriction.
I am confused by Yi's answer because to me, the thing I need to do most when my BPD acts up is to limit and restrict myself severely, at that moment. It requires an ungodly amount of strength to get myself under control and prevent myself from doing anything stupid. But I have to do it, or at least try (and I often fail), lest I do something I regret, and the regret only inflames the BPD episode further. Yi seems to be saying I need to lessen up on my self-restriction? Or am I interpreting this wrong? I have no idea how to apply restrictions to myself but only to a point - as I think Yi is saying - when what I feel like I need to do most during an episode is restrict myself to the fullest.
Line 2 talks about hesitation, but what I need to do most when I'm having an episode is completely hesitate. With line 6, WikiWing talks about the truth revealing itself, and I can sort of understand that here. When I'm having an episode I tend to erect gigantic monuments to bullshit; I jump to conclusions, make assumptions, just construct this elaborate web of paranoid thoughts that, in most cases, turn out to be very far off from the reality of the situation. One thing you learn while trying to live with BPD is "feelings aren't facts." On the other hand, I still don't know what to make of the line's words themselves. Is the "bitter articulating" the giant piles of horse crap I build up in my head? The root of most of my BPD has to do with poor self-esteem - it's always "the end of the world" and "it's all my fault" and "they don't like me anymore" and "I'm terrible." Maybe it is talking about not indulging this sort of thinking. (Very hard to do in the midst of an episode.)
I'm also having a hard time understanding 42's role in this. I often take the second hexagram to be the context of the inquiry, not as something that will occur later down the road, or, "If [primary hexagram], then [relating hexagram]." I have no idea how increase plays into any of this. If anything, I'm trying to decrease my BPD!
I should probably add that I am receiving treatment for my BPD, but the therapy isn't very therapeutic because there are no professionals in my town who deal specifically with this disorder. I'm not being medicated for it because medication doesn't really make much difference with BPD. I've generally had to research things for myself, as information on Dialectical Behavior Therapy - the leading treatment for BPD - is readily available on the Internet. I know from talking to other people with BPD that they too often have to rely on themselves, to be their own therapists, so to speak. While I've learned a lot, I still feel lost most of the time. I know Yi isn't a psychiatrist but it has given me guidance in other things, so I figured, why not ask about this?
Thank you very much for reading my dissertation. I sincerely appreciate any insight offered, and I will continue to meditate on the hexagrams.
I recently received some spiritual insight that felt as if a gigantic weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like my life, up to this point, makes more sense now. I have never felt as much at peace with myself and the world than I do now. It would take a very long time to explain the entire situation, but the insight I received can essentially be boiled down to two words: amor fati.
The problem is that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. And if life (and BPD, and Yi) has taught me anything, it's that I can not depend on anything to last. Nothing is permanent. ("No plain not followed by a slope"!) I know that how I feel right now will pass. I also know there will be many more times ahead when my disorder will rudely remind me of its existence. In those moments, it is very, very difficult to remember what I've learned - about anything regarding my disorder, let alone the insight I recently received. My emotional reactions overwhelm and essentially obliterate my logical mind, and I sometimes act and/or speak without thinking. Learning how to think before acting and/or speaking has probably been the most difficult lesson I have struggled with in this life.
So I asked Yi, although I have this peace with me now, I know it will not last - when I am in a situation where my BPD is acting up, what can I do to remember this peace I have and prevent myself from doing something rash?
I received 60.2.6 > 42
When I am pondering an answer from Yi, I rely on James DeKorne's website and WikiWing to aid in my understanding. (I really want to get Anthony's book but haven't done so yet. The interpretations I have seen from her have seemed to be the most helpful and the most accurate, in my experience.) I have noticed the core theme with 60 has to do with limitations and restrictions, and that sometimes, there is such a thing as too much limitation/restriction.
I am confused by Yi's answer because to me, the thing I need to do most when my BPD acts up is to limit and restrict myself severely, at that moment. It requires an ungodly amount of strength to get myself under control and prevent myself from doing anything stupid. But I have to do it, or at least try (and I often fail), lest I do something I regret, and the regret only inflames the BPD episode further. Yi seems to be saying I need to lessen up on my self-restriction? Or am I interpreting this wrong? I have no idea how to apply restrictions to myself but only to a point - as I think Yi is saying - when what I feel like I need to do most during an episode is restrict myself to the fullest.
Line 2 talks about hesitation, but what I need to do most when I'm having an episode is completely hesitate. With line 6, WikiWing talks about the truth revealing itself, and I can sort of understand that here. When I'm having an episode I tend to erect gigantic monuments to bullshit; I jump to conclusions, make assumptions, just construct this elaborate web of paranoid thoughts that, in most cases, turn out to be very far off from the reality of the situation. One thing you learn while trying to live with BPD is "feelings aren't facts." On the other hand, I still don't know what to make of the line's words themselves. Is the "bitter articulating" the giant piles of horse crap I build up in my head? The root of most of my BPD has to do with poor self-esteem - it's always "the end of the world" and "it's all my fault" and "they don't like me anymore" and "I'm terrible." Maybe it is talking about not indulging this sort of thinking. (Very hard to do in the midst of an episode.)
I'm also having a hard time understanding 42's role in this. I often take the second hexagram to be the context of the inquiry, not as something that will occur later down the road, or, "If [primary hexagram], then [relating hexagram]." I have no idea how increase plays into any of this. If anything, I'm trying to decrease my BPD!
I should probably add that I am receiving treatment for my BPD, but the therapy isn't very therapeutic because there are no professionals in my town who deal specifically with this disorder. I'm not being medicated for it because medication doesn't really make much difference with BPD. I've generally had to research things for myself, as information on Dialectical Behavior Therapy - the leading treatment for BPD - is readily available on the Internet. I know from talking to other people with BPD that they too often have to rely on themselves, to be their own therapists, so to speak. While I've learned a lot, I still feel lost most of the time. I know Yi isn't a psychiatrist but it has given me guidance in other things, so I figured, why not ask about this?
Thank you very much for reading my dissertation. I sincerely appreciate any insight offered, and I will continue to meditate on the hexagrams.