Ive been completely alone for 2.5 years - some of this is due to moving a lot. In every single one of these places (i.e., several different countries), men loudly and clearly let me know how hideous I am, sometimes with words, but usually expressions of disgust: animal noises, blowing raspberries, vomiting noises, ew/ick.
It amazes me, how primal disgust is, i.e., all of the sounds are the same, on several continents. It happens every day, and I almost dont want to leave the house. I try to protect myself when I remember, with headphones, turning away when I see a man, trying not to talk to men whenever possible, and so on. It breaks my heart, frankly, to be considered by so many people.
I guess it also stings because when I was very young, I was considered as pretty as I am ugly now, and hated that, too. (Be careful what you wish for, though I dont remember wishing I was ugly.) In the mirror I see normal facial aging/slackening, I guess, and sadly I guess I look more like my father than mother now, when the inverse used to be true. Im not even old, though I guess not particularly nubile, and quite skinny though no more so than Ive ever been. In fact, being well into adulthood makes all of this even more bizarre and painful; instead of a group of schoolmates it seems literally to be the whole world.
Anyway, its really been breaking me down. I should be used to it by now, but its a devastating thing to hear almost daily for several years, everywhere. Ive not only given up any hope on ever finding love, I feel like my face is actually offensive to others. We dont live in a society, unfortunately, where I can cover my face (although I think I receive a little less harassment in winter, when I wear a long and heavy coat) and I dont understand why so many men hate women so much, as if Im capable of polluting their walk down the street, or wherever, especially since few of them are oil paintings.
So I let the I Ching answer my question: Why am I so ugly? in whatever way it wanted to and received 46.2.3.6, changing to 23.
Hexagram 46 seems to tell me just to get on with things, to do whatever I want. (Or, maybe, that the ugliness will progress.)
Line 2 says that I can find my aim with modest resources: maybe this means that I dont have to be pretty?
Line 3 seems to suggest that this is a slightly meaningless - or at least directionless - question.
Line 6 very clearly suggests taking caution, which makes sense: strangers seem to be almost violent towards me, knocking me aside, walking into me, etc.
Hexagram 23 seems, again, to tell me to stop thinking about it, or perhaps that Im ugly because there are too many disjoint elements (mental, physical, I dont know).
Sorry if this seems like a vain question. Ive long been a lurker on this board and think if someone received daily global harassment for some other reason, theyd get a bit of warmth, maybe.
Thanks. I hope to hear from you.
It amazes me, how primal disgust is, i.e., all of the sounds are the same, on several continents. It happens every day, and I almost dont want to leave the house. I try to protect myself when I remember, with headphones, turning away when I see a man, trying not to talk to men whenever possible, and so on. It breaks my heart, frankly, to be considered by so many people.
I guess it also stings because when I was very young, I was considered as pretty as I am ugly now, and hated that, too. (Be careful what you wish for, though I dont remember wishing I was ugly.) In the mirror I see normal facial aging/slackening, I guess, and sadly I guess I look more like my father than mother now, when the inverse used to be true. Im not even old, though I guess not particularly nubile, and quite skinny though no more so than Ive ever been. In fact, being well into adulthood makes all of this even more bizarre and painful; instead of a group of schoolmates it seems literally to be the whole world.
Anyway, its really been breaking me down. I should be used to it by now, but its a devastating thing to hear almost daily for several years, everywhere. Ive not only given up any hope on ever finding love, I feel like my face is actually offensive to others. We dont live in a society, unfortunately, where I can cover my face (although I think I receive a little less harassment in winter, when I wear a long and heavy coat) and I dont understand why so many men hate women so much, as if Im capable of polluting their walk down the street, or wherever, especially since few of them are oil paintings.
So I let the I Ching answer my question: Why am I so ugly? in whatever way it wanted to and received 46.2.3.6, changing to 23.
Hexagram 46 seems to tell me just to get on with things, to do whatever I want. (Or, maybe, that the ugliness will progress.)
Line 2 says that I can find my aim with modest resources: maybe this means that I dont have to be pretty?
Line 3 seems to suggest that this is a slightly meaningless - or at least directionless - question.
Line 6 very clearly suggests taking caution, which makes sense: strangers seem to be almost violent towards me, knocking me aside, walking into me, etc.
Hexagram 23 seems, again, to tell me to stop thinking about it, or perhaps that Im ugly because there are too many disjoint elements (mental, physical, I dont know).
Sorry if this seems like a vain question. Ive long been a lurker on this board and think if someone received daily global harassment for some other reason, theyd get a bit of warmth, maybe.
Thanks. I hope to hear from you.