I did not go to visit my family for Xmas day, an over 200k trip, because I did not have the money or the emotional energy. I am a single parent, on the other side of the country, and things have been v stressful the last few months.
My (teen and young adult) kids often do not want to go.
I actually did want to go, I just couldn't.
There was a phone call on Xmas morning with my mother, where she was not listening to my reasons, just saying that she was disappointed, VERY DISAPPOINTED etc, and that I made her cry.
Then my brother was texting me, complaining, calling me selfish.
Seems like a major guilt trip, no-one asked me was I OK, or if anything was wrong, and it seems like neither my brother or my mother are listening, concerned about me, or want to hear anything about what's actually going on for me. Feels like being tried and sentenced without being there.
On Xmas day, I cast hexagram 51.1.3 » 62.
I had gone and talked to all my children, because my head felt more than a bit mashed.
I think this is the shock above?
They told me some things I knew, and some new things too - how they hated going there for Xmas, how they feel criticised and bullied by my family. My eldest soon said that he hated seeing me Dad being treated so horribly by my mother. She hectors and barrages and criticises him constantly. He also said that they show no sympathy and understanding about his autism, and that he feels pressured to pretend its a happy family, play "normal", when they don't care about us from one end of the year till the other, only demanding that we attend for Xmas, or family functions, and dress up and act.
My daughter was feeling bad about not going, because my mother had asked her to go. However, she was also very upset because she was not allowed to bring her boyfriend last year, so she did not go and went to his house instead. She said that she had the happiest Xmas of her life last year.
(This is a theme, for 5 years my neice's boyfriend was not allowed at family functions, because he was 10 years older than her, and had a child when he was young).
My daughter also said that if she wasn't feeling guilty, no she wouldn't go at all. She only wants to see my father and one cousin.
Personally, I feel the same. They are family, and I do love them, and want to see them, but they are very critical and judgemental of me, they never recognise any achievements, anything good we do, its always this attitude of "you left and went to live this hippy life. You're poor, and you should stay that way, and don't talk about it. You don't discipline your children, and make them do things."
It never ends, and you can't win, in fact you can't ever be right, or have a different reason.
I bend over backwards, often severe stress to go up there for Xmas, but it seems a blessing in disguise that I couldn't go this year, because I can see that I shouldn't be leaving my children without to buy a bunch of presents for people who don't appreciate them or me or my children, who just look down on us and see us as always being in the wrong. No matter what I do, or how hard I try, it's always wrong, or not good enough: there's always something, always. No matter how good or clear I've been feeling, ill feel like sh1t after visiting, especially Xmas.
The cast 51.1.3 » 62 seems to say that its not that big a deal, that it will be OK, they'll be OK... that I need to hold to what is right and true for me?
Im not Christian, I celebrate the Solstice on the 21st. My mother also flung this at me in the phone call "I bet you all celebrated on the 21st!"
6 at 3: The shock: reviving, reviving. The shock moves without mistake.
Shocks inspire to greater deeds than normal thinking can imagine. Use them, dont let them fade away, dont let anyone talk you back to normal size. Great and often dreadful happenings give power and depth to life.
(Changes to hex.55)
Yeah it felt like my mother does try to cut me down to "normal" size. As in "don't have another relationship, for gods sake." 'You shouldn't let your kids do XXXXX you don't discipline them. '
"You let your daughter run wild"
I'll get these comments instead of 'well done on your graduation. congratulations, I knew you could do it! '
My brother and sister can do this too.
Initial 9: The shock comes: fright fright. After that laughter and talk: shriek shriek. Auspicious.
Thoughtlessness is one of the biggest causes of trouble. Not stupidity, not inexperience, not taking too much risk. Just think of all the things you would have done different if you had thought before acting. So be grateful for shocks, they hit you out of thoughtlessness. Many have been saved from disaster by a shock, or even from death. And once your mind is awake again, look back and realize the waste of a life with a sleeping mind.
(Changes to hex.16)
Thoughtlessness: If I had just gone there, gone through the rigmarole, sat there feeling like the poor castigated relation, heard all the criticisms of my children, not responded and tried to keep the peace in order to be not blamed on causing fights again... well, maybe it would have been worse!
A few friends said this to me; that there probably would have been worse trouble if I went... trouble for me emotionally, as I am v sensitive right now, and very easily triggered.
On the 25th, These lines resonated with me deeply: to stick to my own spiritual path and ways and lifestyle, not to drop the ceremonial items...
Does it mean also: Let the shock open your emotions and move you to your centre, feel and transmute what you are feeling?
Yeah but its often a pattern, that, if I am feeling good, if I am happy, or feel that I have achieved something, that my mother can come along and puncture your happiness, she can walk into a room of happy people having fun and turn the air to ice.
This is also the shock - I rang her to wish her a Hapoy Xmas, and to say that Id be up in a few days. Then I felt awful afterwards
My (teen and young adult) kids often do not want to go.
I actually did want to go, I just couldn't.
There was a phone call on Xmas morning with my mother, where she was not listening to my reasons, just saying that she was disappointed, VERY DISAPPOINTED etc, and that I made her cry.
Then my brother was texting me, complaining, calling me selfish.
Seems like a major guilt trip, no-one asked me was I OK, or if anything was wrong, and it seems like neither my brother or my mother are listening, concerned about me, or want to hear anything about what's actually going on for me. Feels like being tried and sentenced without being there.
On Xmas day, I cast hexagram 51.1.3 » 62.
I had gone and talked to all my children, because my head felt more than a bit mashed.
I think this is the shock above?
They told me some things I knew, and some new things too - how they hated going there for Xmas, how they feel criticised and bullied by my family. My eldest soon said that he hated seeing me Dad being treated so horribly by my mother. She hectors and barrages and criticises him constantly. He also said that they show no sympathy and understanding about his autism, and that he feels pressured to pretend its a happy family, play "normal", when they don't care about us from one end of the year till the other, only demanding that we attend for Xmas, or family functions, and dress up and act.
My daughter was feeling bad about not going, because my mother had asked her to go. However, she was also very upset because she was not allowed to bring her boyfriend last year, so she did not go and went to his house instead. She said that she had the happiest Xmas of her life last year.
(This is a theme, for 5 years my neice's boyfriend was not allowed at family functions, because he was 10 years older than her, and had a child when he was young).
My daughter also said that if she wasn't feeling guilty, no she wouldn't go at all. She only wants to see my father and one cousin.
Personally, I feel the same. They are family, and I do love them, and want to see them, but they are very critical and judgemental of me, they never recognise any achievements, anything good we do, its always this attitude of "you left and went to live this hippy life. You're poor, and you should stay that way, and don't talk about it. You don't discipline your children, and make them do things."
It never ends, and you can't win, in fact you can't ever be right, or have a different reason.
I bend over backwards, often severe stress to go up there for Xmas, but it seems a blessing in disguise that I couldn't go this year, because I can see that I shouldn't be leaving my children without to buy a bunch of presents for people who don't appreciate them or me or my children, who just look down on us and see us as always being in the wrong. No matter what I do, or how hard I try, it's always wrong, or not good enough: there's always something, always. No matter how good or clear I've been feeling, ill feel like sh1t after visiting, especially Xmas.
The cast 51.1.3 » 62 seems to say that its not that big a deal, that it will be OK, they'll be OK... that I need to hold to what is right and true for me?
Im not Christian, I celebrate the Solstice on the 21st. My mother also flung this at me in the phone call "I bet you all celebrated on the 21st!"
Quote:
6 at 3: The shock: reviving, reviving. The shock moves without mistake.
Shocks inspire to greater deeds than normal thinking can imagine. Use them, dont let them fade away, dont let anyone talk you back to normal size. Great and often dreadful happenings give power and depth to life.
(Changes to hex.55)
"You let your daughter run wild"
I'll get these comments instead of 'well done on your graduation. congratulations, I knew you could do it! '
My brother and sister can do this too.
Quote:
Initial 9: The shock comes: fright fright. After that laughter and talk: shriek shriek. Auspicious.
Thoughtlessness is one of the biggest causes of trouble. Not stupidity, not inexperience, not taking too much risk. Just think of all the things you would have done different if you had thought before acting. So be grateful for shocks, they hit you out of thoughtlessness. Many have been saved from disaster by a shock, or even from death. And once your mind is awake again, look back and realize the waste of a life with a sleeping mind.
(Changes to hex.16)
A few friends said this to me; that there probably would have been worse trouble if I went... trouble for me emotionally, as I am v sensitive right now, and very easily triggered.
On the 25th, These lines resonated with me deeply: to stick to my own spiritual path and ways and lifestyle, not to drop the ceremonial items...
Does it mean also: Let the shock open your emotions and move you to your centre, feel and transmute what you are feeling?
Yeah but its often a pattern, that, if I am feeling good, if I am happy, or feel that I have achieved something, that my mother can come along and puncture your happiness, she can walk into a room of happy people having fun and turn the air to ice.
This is also the shock - I rang her to wish her a Hapoy Xmas, and to say that Id be up in a few days. Then I felt awful afterwards