I'm in an on again/off again relationship with a guy with Borderline Personality Disorder for the past 7yrs.
It's long distance at the moment & he is not or has not ever been in treatment to make matters even more difficult.
I want to help him but I realise you can't help someone that won't help themselves.
We had made huge progress in our relationship over the past few months & finally I felt we were on the same page. We were planning on moving in together in another country (we both live in separate countries right now) he even mentioned marriage on a number of occasions.
Then about 7 weeks ago he had a mental breakdown, this time a pretty big one. It resulting in me having to leave him to it after days of trying to calm & reassure him, he was just lashing out at me so I had to just step back.
So a little under 2 weeks ago I emailed him just simply hoping he was doing ok. He broke down saying that he was really struggling day to day, his mother had come to visit him & that he couldn't even hide it from her (she knows something is up but not exactly what) she was disappointed in him (he has difficulty controlling his emotions, particularly negative emotions so lashes out)
I sent back a very loving & supportive email basically saying I am there for him but that he needed to get professional help & start treatment, I would have his back with this. He agreed & thanked me.
A week goes by & we have lots of friendly & nice exchanges via email. I am careful about phone conversations as that's usually how he starts to spiral out of control with his emotions or his reactions to anything I might say real or imagined.
So he calls me, I'm hesitant about answering but do so reluctantly, I had been sick for over a week, so tired & not mentally prepared for how it might go. The first few words into the conversation I knew he was in an arrogant mood so I stayed pretty quiet , barely said a few sentences really which somehow he mistook as me being negative & then started his spiralling on how I'm not doing enough to see him, to move to him, that it's never going to happen, that we shouldn't be together etc. So I ended the call. I had told him a few days previous that I was at an enrolment evening for my daughters high school & that is what made him so insecure this time around, he is assuming I not committed to moving even though I assured him I needed backup as my daughters education is vitally important to me.
Of course I was painted all bad after that, that I don't do enough, I don't care about him etc.
I emailed him back basically telling him everything I want & expect in a partner. How much I loved him & wanted him to be happy & healthy. And asked him a few questions on what he really wants from me & for our future.
I felt it was a really important & honest email.
He completely ignored my questions, belittled me & honed in on the few times I mentioned I wanted him to be ok or happy (referring to his mental health) stating matter of factly that he had no issues at all, that he's just "grumpy" some days & that his life was great!
This made me furious! And frankly the only thing that stopped me from going off on him was the fact he has BDP & I know his mind does not work & think the same, & it would only add fuel to the fire.
This is the pattern with him; he screams out for help, accepts my love & support, admits he has a problem & agrees he needs to seek help....a few days later he rejects the notion that there is any problems at all & that he doesn't need help, in fact it's everyone else fault (usually me) that makes him feel & behave that way.....& the cycle begins again.
I want it to work with him, I really do but I know it doesn't have a chance in hell if he doesn't face it, accept responsibility & seek treatment to learn how to control his outbursts & negative thoughts.
I'm exhausted.
So I asked a few questions in how I should respond to him
A) Outcome of ripping him a new one - Hexagram 64.2 < 35
(that was my initial knee-jerk reaction in wanting to put him in his place :rofl: )
B) Outcome of keeping it short & sweet & saying I stand by my words - Hexagram 55.5 < 49
C) Outcome of keeping it short & sweet & telling him that he didn't answer my questions - Hexagram 24.1.5 < Hexagram 8
D) Outcome of standing by my original words & also bring up something he'd said in the email - Hexagram 2 UC
E) Outcome of standing by my original words & calling his bluff - Hexagram 58.1 < 47
(by calling his bluff I meant on him saying he's got no issues & leaving him to it)
Am I right in thinking it's a case of the simplest answer is the best answer & B (55.1 > 49) is the better option?
Option C (Hex 24 - 8) on first glance looked like the perfect answer but I think the lines are just commenting on what has gone on between us.
I'm not sure of what to make of option E, 58.1 is a lovely line but I'm not sure of 47? Perhaps it speaks of how I'm feeling right now, exhausted with this whole push/pull mess.
Any commentary on the best option, input or experience of these Hex's & lines will be much appreciated :bows:
It's long distance at the moment & he is not or has not ever been in treatment to make matters even more difficult.
I want to help him but I realise you can't help someone that won't help themselves.
We had made huge progress in our relationship over the past few months & finally I felt we were on the same page. We were planning on moving in together in another country (we both live in separate countries right now) he even mentioned marriage on a number of occasions.
Then about 7 weeks ago he had a mental breakdown, this time a pretty big one. It resulting in me having to leave him to it after days of trying to calm & reassure him, he was just lashing out at me so I had to just step back.
So a little under 2 weeks ago I emailed him just simply hoping he was doing ok. He broke down saying that he was really struggling day to day, his mother had come to visit him & that he couldn't even hide it from her (she knows something is up but not exactly what) she was disappointed in him (he has difficulty controlling his emotions, particularly negative emotions so lashes out)
I sent back a very loving & supportive email basically saying I am there for him but that he needed to get professional help & start treatment, I would have his back with this. He agreed & thanked me.
A week goes by & we have lots of friendly & nice exchanges via email. I am careful about phone conversations as that's usually how he starts to spiral out of control with his emotions or his reactions to anything I might say real or imagined.
So he calls me, I'm hesitant about answering but do so reluctantly, I had been sick for over a week, so tired & not mentally prepared for how it might go. The first few words into the conversation I knew he was in an arrogant mood so I stayed pretty quiet , barely said a few sentences really which somehow he mistook as me being negative & then started his spiralling on how I'm not doing enough to see him, to move to him, that it's never going to happen, that we shouldn't be together etc. So I ended the call. I had told him a few days previous that I was at an enrolment evening for my daughters high school & that is what made him so insecure this time around, he is assuming I not committed to moving even though I assured him I needed backup as my daughters education is vitally important to me.
Of course I was painted all bad after that, that I don't do enough, I don't care about him etc.
I emailed him back basically telling him everything I want & expect in a partner. How much I loved him & wanted him to be happy & healthy. And asked him a few questions on what he really wants from me & for our future.
I felt it was a really important & honest email.
He completely ignored my questions, belittled me & honed in on the few times I mentioned I wanted him to be ok or happy (referring to his mental health) stating matter of factly that he had no issues at all, that he's just "grumpy" some days & that his life was great!
This made me furious! And frankly the only thing that stopped me from going off on him was the fact he has BDP & I know his mind does not work & think the same, & it would only add fuel to the fire.
This is the pattern with him; he screams out for help, accepts my love & support, admits he has a problem & agrees he needs to seek help....a few days later he rejects the notion that there is any problems at all & that he doesn't need help, in fact it's everyone else fault (usually me) that makes him feel & behave that way.....& the cycle begins again.
I want it to work with him, I really do but I know it doesn't have a chance in hell if he doesn't face it, accept responsibility & seek treatment to learn how to control his outbursts & negative thoughts.
I'm exhausted.
So I asked a few questions in how I should respond to him
A) Outcome of ripping him a new one - Hexagram 64.2 < 35
(that was my initial knee-jerk reaction in wanting to put him in his place :rofl: )
B) Outcome of keeping it short & sweet & saying I stand by my words - Hexagram 55.5 < 49
C) Outcome of keeping it short & sweet & telling him that he didn't answer my questions - Hexagram 24.1.5 < Hexagram 8
D) Outcome of standing by my original words & also bring up something he'd said in the email - Hexagram 2 UC
E) Outcome of standing by my original words & calling his bluff - Hexagram 58.1 < 47
(by calling his bluff I meant on him saying he's got no issues & leaving him to it)
Am I right in thinking it's a case of the simplest answer is the best answer & B (55.1 > 49) is the better option?
Option C (Hex 24 - 8) on first glance looked like the perfect answer but I think the lines are just commenting on what has gone on between us.
I'm not sure of what to make of option E, 58.1 is a lovely line but I'm not sure of 47? Perhaps it speaks of how I'm feeling right now, exhausted with this whole push/pull mess.
Any commentary on the best option, input or experience of these Hex's & lines will be much appreciated :bows: